Butt Dial Gone Wrong
Oh come on, we have all done it - butt-dialed someone accidentally and panicked immediately after you discover what you've done. Or even better, butt-dialed your in-laws while having sex... Well, thankully, I can say that hasn't happened to me… yet.
DISCLAIMER: Before you continue indulging in my memoir, if you are prude or uptight, then stop reading this; go back to cleaning your house while tending to your crying Ivy League prodigies. Actually, just don't read any of my blogs because you will not like them, or worse, you will. But for those of you who read my blogs on the regular, call me, because we should be friends.
When my husband and I first started dating, we had (and fortunately, we still have) sex everywhere. We've been incredibly sexually attracted to each other since day one. At the beginning of our relationship, we lived 2,500 miles away from each other and flew back and forth every 8-10 days - me in Maui, him in (T TO FILL IN). On our 3-month anniversary, he flew to Maui and finally got to meet the family.
While we were driving around the island, we drove through a sugar cane bypass. I decided this would be the perfect spot to pull over and play. For those of you unfamiliar with Hawaii, while a sugar cane bypass may sound romantic, it was NOT - sugar cane bypasses are also known as "stinky bomb road" and smell
like cat diarrhea.
Anywho, as I started my business of being the perfect girlfriend, he started moaning and grunting. It got louder and louder, until I started to hear, "Oh yes baby, yes, oh my g-d, G-d that feels so good, Oh my g-d you're the best" - you get the idea. This went on for quite a while. A few minutes after he's finished, his
phone rings. "Umm, it's my dad calling", he said.
Keep in mind - I had only met his dad once at this point. Here's how that painful, short conversation went: "Sooooo, it sounds like you're having a great time on Maui", followed by a long, uncomfortable silence. You guessed it - my husband had butt dialed his father and our entire excursion through stinky bomb road was recorded on his dad's voicemail. Luckily, thirteen years later, we still giggle about it. In retrospect, I think it helped break the ice with his dad. After all, he now knew I made his son very happy.
In addition to our awkward butt-dialing situation, the trip was memorable in many other ways. The best part? My mom got drunk (first time in her life, believe it or not!) and my husband offered to drive her home. That's when he asked for her permission to marry me. Yeah, he's a smart man. So ladies and gents, don't worry about butt-dialing sexapades. They could be a way to get your future in-laws to warm up to you. They could prove to your significant other you're the one. For future laughs, just
hope they are recorded for evidence.
Every woman deserves to see themselves the way everyone else sees them. An absolute Goddess
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