Clone Your Mans Willy
Ohhhh the trouble my friends get me into! My girls are some of the funniest, craziest, badass women - and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have been wanting to clone my hubby's cock the moment I heard about the Clone-A-Willy. Yes, you read that correctly - Clone-A-Willy's create an authentic replica of an erection in dildo form. In other words - this is right up my alley. I just knew I had to buy it for him for Hanukkah and I couldn't wait. I immediately ordered it on Adam & Eve along with a few other fun items. Of course he thought I was crazy and the moment he unwrapped his gift, he started cracking up. We had it all planned. We scheduled a day and time
we were going to make this happen. I researched the hell out of how one clones a cock and read all the reviews with do's and don'ts. The main lesson from my research? No matter how much you plan, this is not our ordinary arts and crafts project. It's a freaking beast.
DISCLAIMER: Before you continue indulging in my memoir, if you are prude or uptight, then stop reading this. Go back to cleaning your house while tending to your crying Ivy League prodigies. Actually, just don't read any of my blogs because you will not like them, or worse, you will. But for those of you who read my blogs on the regular, call me, because we should be friends.
A few days later, I had to call in the troops. And like the loyal soldiers they are, my girls came to the rescue. After a few drinks, we opened the package and had a blast reading and acting out how to recreate my hubby's cock. They knew how important it was to me to figure it out and not have it come out looking like a melting Popsicle (I owe it to my hubby's joystick!). My girls were invested in this just as much as I was with texts flying back and forth the whole night to see how my experiment turned out. Here's the thing: no matter how many times you read the reviews and instructions, nothing prepares you for the real thing. But, my confident, sassy self told my girls, "Bitches please, I got this!" As it turns out, I didn't have it. Not at all...
Friday night arrived and I had everything planned. The mood was set: dinner, candles, porn… and of course you can't clone your husband's cock without shots of Strawberry Lemonade Vodka . Lots of vodka, folks.
Ready, set, ACTION! Here's what went right (and very wrong).
Step one: Foreplay. Turn on the TV (turn on porn. NOT Criminal Minds, which my husband started watching instead) and get him hard. As soon as he is hard RUN (YES LADIES, I SAID RUN!) to the kitchen and start mixing. Check on him often to make sure that he is keeping himself hard and NOT focused on Criminal Minds. The good news? He is not turned on by Criminal Minds; and the bad news is, well, he is not turned on by Criminal Minds.
A key takeaway here: Porn > Criminal Minds.
Step two: You only have 45 seconds before the mold turns to rock hard cement (the only time on this blog that you'll ever hear me say the words "rock hard" with a sense of disappointment). See that your husband is no longer hard and start screaming at him to get hard while you mix the mold.
Step Three: RUN to your husband and immediately start CPR on his dick to bring it back to life. You only have about ten seconds to complete your rescue mission before the mold laughs at you and says, "I told you so!".
Step Four: RUN back to the mold to pour it into the tube, realizing it is rock mother-fucking hard as cement. Feel the panic sink in.
Step Five: Look at your husband and give him the death stare with full blown crazy eyes while screaming, "YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB... ONE!". He now looks at you like a deer in the headlights, then looks back at the Criminal Minds murder scene and says, "I should have put the porn on". (DUH! Again, please learn from my trials: Porn > Criminal Minds).
Step Six: Stomp your feet and act like a two year-old while saying more insulting curse words. And yes, the crazy eyes are still in full effect.
Step Seven: Hear your husband say, "This is no longer a fun experience for me and you have ruined it."
Step Eight: Pick up the rock hard mold and imagine throwing it at his head but instead, you dump it in the trash.
Since then, I've ordered two more because I know we will mess it up again. But you know what they say - if at first you don't succeed, try, try again! And I will clone my man's cock if it's the last thing I do.
Final advice to you perfect arts and crafts moms who make us all look like shit at the science fair: Buy two not one. Don't be cocky with your Clone-A-Willy; you will fuck it up the first time. Have a backup!
Ready to give it a go? Good news - Adam & Eve is giving my readers a 50% discount! Details below.
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Every woman deserves to see themselves the way everyone else sees them. An absolute Goddess