What was I thinking?
How far is too far when it comes to sexual toys? Is there a limit to how kinky you'll go, how many you own? Oh and what about a safe word? Do you have one? My husband and I consider ourselves pretty darn kinky with each other. I mean we are the only one's we will sleep with for the rest of our lives so who better to explore with than each other and if not now, when? Well there are a lot of amazing things we have done sexually, not so amazing things, and then there are the WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE THINKING kind of things. Which brings us to today's blog.
DISCLAIMER: Before you continue indulging in my memoir, if you are prude or uptight, then stop reading this; go back to cleaning your house while tending to your crying Ivy League prodigies. Actually, just don't read any of my blogs because you will not like them, or worse, you will. But for those of you who read my blogs on the regular, call me, because we should be friends.
This blog is the perfect example of "Be careful what you read on the internet and the advice given by strangers"... A few months back I was talking with the ladies in my Spicy Tacos group on Facebook about Anal sex. Boys, before you get too excited, that's a womens ONLY group and all we talk about is mature content. Now I LOVE every one of the ladies in our group and we all like to give advice on our own personal experiences. The good, bad and ugly. Some things are a success while other's are clearly not a do again...
One of the women had asked advice on how make anal sex more pleasurable (which is a very popular question in our group). Of course everyone chimed in with their favorite numbing creams, positions, butt plugs, and while other gave some very creative advice like the one I'm about to share. She puts her glass dildo in the freezer and then wears it all day until her hubby comes home. She probably said glass butt plug and I read, dildo. I know what you're thinking, WTF??? Well dumbass me, was like OMG that's so weird, unique and clever, well of course I have to try it now
Later that night I couldn't wait to share the new brilliant idea with my husband. Most of my stories with him start off with, "You want to know what I learned from the Spicy Taco's girls?" "If I stick a glass dildo in the freezer, then stick it up my ass and wear it all day, it will make anal sex more pleasurable" Once again he thought I was completely nuts. But he knew who he was marrying so do't feel bad for him.
Fast forward to a few weeks later. We are sitting on the couch having a really fun crazy date night. Drinks are pouring, porn is on the big screen, and out comes three gifts all wrapped up in wrapping paper with a bow and all. I was like, oh shit what are we going to get into tonight? I unwrap the first gift and almost peed my pants laughing as I whip out a beautiful piece of artwork. I couldn't contain my laughter but really I was terrified inside because I was wanting to insert my foot in my mouth for ever suggesting it. This thing was long, thin, blown glass and was a little intimidating, i'm not going to lie. Can we say, no forgiveness???
Then I unwrap the second gift. Are you fucking kidding me? The first one was child's play compared to this beast. This one was curvy and had a pointier tip. Nothing about it looked comfortable or pleasurable. Now I'm scared. Of course, I'm cracking up on the outside and crying on the inside. I asked him, if the first one was for me and this one was for him. He didn't find that very funny.
The third gift was little glass anal balls on strings that looked like eyeballs. He should have started off with those.
I'm sure you have so many questions. How is this going to feel good? How long do I have to keep it in the freezer? What if it breaks inside of me? What if there's a little sharp piece of glass and it slices up my tushy tissue? Yup I had the same questions and all i'm going to say is... never again ladies, never again.
Of course, I had to video tape him explaining to my spicy tacos ladies, what he bought for me. He showed them off like they were the prize winning pig at the fair. He was so proud and excited to try them out on me. He even did the JAWS soundtrack noise while making the two dildos dance.. I swear I love that man and his goofiness.
Later that night, after a lot more alcohol, we tried one. It lasted about 3 seconds and I yelled, nope nope nope. Not going to happen captain. I literally felt pain in my ear. All I kept picturing was it ripping through my ass lining and now I have fecal matter spewing into other organs while having internal bleeding. A little extreme? Nope that's exactly what it felt like. FOR DAYS, WEEKS and even 6 weeks to be exact. I was in so much pain that all of the sudden most of my bones started to ache. No I'm not exaggerating. I couldn't excersize anymore and I could barely move. I had to go to the Dr and explained that my husband shoved a frozen glass dildo up my ass and I was the one that gave him the bright idea. The doctors look still haunts me. Nothing the Dr prescribed helped. Then one day, my bestie gave me on-guard from Doterra and said, here take two of these per day and you'll feel better. After two days all of the pain was gone. Halle-fuckin-lujah
Ladies and gents, if you are as adventurous as I am and want to try this out, I would suggest putting the glass butt plugs in the freezer and then wearing those. That's something I may try in the future. Don't forget to use Coupon code MOMENTS to get 50% off plus free shipping at Adam & Eve
I don't regret it at all. Because I will never regret trying new things with my husband and keeping out sex life alive. It's so important to try new things and not be embarrassed about it. He is my partner, my best friend and the only person on this world that I trust with my whole heart. I wouldn't want to have these stories with anyone else.
Every woman deserves to see themselves the way everyone else sees them. An absolute Goddess